Here we go again...

Right now it's hard for me to sit down long enough to type coherently. I feel so frustrated and angry. I want to scream, to run around, to punch somebody (specifically the hubster, but we'll get into that in a minute), and just pretty much act as maturely as one of the boys.

I am so aggravated with the hubby. I don't know how to get it through his thick skull that I will be incredibly moody, and will have little control over myself when I am. He seems to think that I can control my mood swings despite being three weeks postpartum, hormones swilling about and all. And of course I'm also one of those people who can't see straight when they get angry, compounding the problem.

Gah, time to get back into therapy.

Booby Prize?

I thought everything was going just fine with breastfeeding, but apparently that is not the case. Turns out that S only gained two ounces since his two-day checkup. The ped wants me to supplement him with formula (so don't want to go down that path...). Of course I've been pretty much obsessed with this news since I got back from the ped's office, and even called and emailed the lactation consultant in an attempt to figure out what's going on. Maybe the swelling under S's nipples going down affected his weight gain. And maybe I'm really reaching here.

You'd think that I'd practically be able to teach a class on breastfeeding after my experiences with J and T. Oh well, it's always something, right?

aaaaand, we're back!

It's been over three months since I've posted. So many things, both large and small, have happened. Here are some examples:

• At my 36 week checkup, the OB follows up her hello with, "So you're having another boy?" to which I reply, "I don't know, am I?" I was rather pissed, mostly because I didn't want to know the gender of the baby. I sincerely hope her first reaction was "Oh, shit."
• The rest of my pregnancy went without incident, for which I'm grateful.
• T's second birthday party got snowed out, which was kind of a bummer, but I'm glad he's only two and was therefore unaware of what happened. My parents came over and the six of us had dinner and cupcakes (which were super yummy) to celebrate.
• Christmas was pretty uneventful, which is how I wanted it. I could tell that AM's boyfriend hasn't been around many pregnant women, because he kept asking me if I was about to go into labor. So glad that one of my OBs told me that it was okay to have a small glass of wine.
• My due date (12/26) came and went. I was scheduled for an induction on New Year's Eve.
• I was on the fence as to which date I "preferred" for the baby to arrive (as if it were up to me). NYE is a cool day for a birthday, but part of me wanted January 1 for silly, selfish reasons - psychological space between T's birthday and this baby's, a different birthstone, and not having to worry about the school cutoff.
• Turns out that S made the decision for us - he decided to arrive shortly after midnight on New Year's Day. Made the front page of the local paper and were on the local cable news channel. That was neat, but felt kind of weird. I wondered if I was worrying too much about my family's information being broadcast (literally) to thousands of people in the area.

That's what I've been up to. Don't know how current I'll keep this since I now have three boys to chase after.

Stupidest Comment Ever?

I was at Burger King today, waiting for my lunch, when some guy said the stupidest thing ever.

A bunch of us customers are milling around the counter, waiting for our food. One guy's order number is called, and when he realizes they forgot his drink he tells them. While the girl behind the counter is making his shake, he comments on how they should be giving him napkins, straws, ketchup, etc. So I say "There's so little courtesy anymore."

He starts ranting about common sense. And then he drops this little gem:
"People don't have common sense no more. Common sense, that's real important. That's why I'm voting for Sarah Palin."

Where's the Darwin Awards committee when you need them?

Note to Self:

You have a backbone. Use it.

Phrases to try out:

• Thanks so much for coming to visit. I hate to be abrupt, but I need to put T down for a nap and take one myself, so I'm going to have to see you to the door. Thanks again!
• (part B to the above) Thanks for offering to stay, but no thanks. We're good.
• If I don't get a nap in, it affects me for the rest of the day, so I'm going to say goodbye now. Thanks for coming to see the boys!

I'm sure most of you can figure out the backstory here. I need to man up and stop trying to drop hints, because certain people are either incapable of picking them up or flat out choose to ignore them. I can do this. My health and sanity are worth some discomfort.

Now what?

I feel horrible. Again. I had another psycho meltdown during bedtime tonight. I ended up screaming so loudly at J that my throat still hurts, and I thought I might pull a muscle in my belly.

I don't understand why I have such a bad hair-trigger temper this time around. I realize that pregnancy hormones make you crazy, but I'm just a rageaholic that now I worry that I'm setting a horrible example for J. No wonder he's acting all crazy lately.

Recent things that annoy me:

1. That hubby departs for work just as I'm starting to get out of bed, thus leaving me with sole responsibility for getting three people washed, dressed, fed, and ready for the day.
2. That hubby returns from work usually right around bedtime, thereby leaving me responsible for all parenting activities during waking hours.
3. That hubby will not support me in getting the boys to bed at a reasonable hour even though more sleep has resulted in improved behavior throughout the day for everyone involved.
4. That mother in law is stewing about something that she will not come out and say but rather make sideways comments about it.
5. That I haven't had a night out to dinner with the girls since Thanksgiving Eve, 2006.
6. The state of our country. I know this might sound cheesy, but I am so annoyed with (a) the economy and that unchecked greed has led to its near collapse, and (b) the fact that supporting a presidential candidate pretty much means alienating anyone who disagrees with your point of view.

I don't know, maybe I need to get back into therapy. I go to yoga once a week, yet I feel so much rage bubbling just below the surface. I guess it's a good thing that I only have thirteen weeks to go until I'm due? Oh, and that's another thing - I feel guilty that I haven't had the time to cherish this pregnancy the way I was able to with my others. Sometimes I forget that I even am pregnant, I'm so busy running after the guys.

Ugh, I just want to curl up and cry.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I know, it sounds so melodramatic. What can I say, I'm 25 weeks pregnant, everything is melodramatic.

I am at a loss as to how to discipline J. He just does not want to listen to me. Time outs don't stop the behavior, and neither does taking things away (TV time, "special" trips). Three days ago I went back to a reward chart and within two days it was failing miserably. I just don't know what to do to motivate this kid. And then, today, he drew a letter E on my car with a rock. I am so upset. Yeah I'm pissed that he scratched up my not even two-month-old car, but what really stings is that he did something so disrespectful, and so blatantly wrong. It really hurts, and I wonder where I fell short.

Does he just not care enough about the things I take away? (it's possible) Am I not consistent enough? (probably not, if it's not working) Do I not spend enough one-on-one time with him? (most likely not, as I'm still exhausted and need to nap when T does on most days) It's like a looped tape recorder that's been running through my head all day and I just can't make it stop.

I love J more than he can comprehend, and I feel like I'm the one who screwed up here. I just don't know what to do next. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? What if I'm not? Then what?