Guilt

The wife of Hub's high school best friend (who I also consider a friend, although truth be told it's mostly a cyber-friendship) was five months pregnant with their third child, a girl.  She found out last night that the baby died.  And while my initial reaction was sadness, my second reaction horrified me.

Let me preface this by saying that when she first announced that she was pregnant with a girl, I felt like I was punched in the gut.  I know that people, family and friends included, will still be having daughters.  But when someone who already has two sons learns she is expecting a daughter, sometimes I feel betrayed - not that I would change anything about my boys, but why didn't I have a girl, too?

What does this have to do with my reaction to the sad news?  A small part of me felt a twinge of relief, of camaraderie with her.  I cannot imagine the pain that this woman is going through right now, and this is her (I believe) fifth loss.  And I hate that part of me was happy? about it.  How incredibly selfish of me.  And how guilty I feel for (a) feeling this way, and (b) feeling this way when she announced that she was having a girl.  I know I am not personally or directly responsible for her loss, but I feel that, on some level, my initial negative reaction to her news is a factor.  God forgive me for that.