I Wish I Fell More

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about wanting a second chance at certain times in my life.  The primary reason why I've been feeling that way is my twenty-year high school reunion, which was almost two years ago.  I didn't go because I was thirty-six weeks pregnant with S, but I did reconnect through a reunion website and later through Facebook with people I hadn't seen nor spoken to in twenty five years.  (My family moved to another state after my freshman year of high school)  It got me thinking...

What if my family never moved in 1985?  What if I stayed in that town, and I graduated from my first high school?  And then, deeper questions.  What if I learned to take more chances, and not be so afraid of what bad things might happen?  What if I went out with any and every boy who asked me, regardless of what he looked like, who he was friends with, how he was perceived?  What if I tried out for every activity that interested me, regardless of what others might think, who else was or wasn't involved? 

What if I refused to let fear drive my decisions?

What if I took buttloads of chances, and fell, and learned how to deal with it?

I learned how to ski (ironically) during my freshman year of high school.  I loved the sense of freedom, of speeding downhill with the wind whipping my hair.  I remember telling my parents how much fun it was, and that they should try it, too! 

My father's response was, "I'm too old for an injury in this stage of my career."

That's kind of how I feel now.  I don't make certain changes that I know I should because I'm too afraid of... what?  Getting hurt?  Not physically, but yes, getting hurt.  Of being alone.  Of being lonely.  Of not being able to make it on my own. 

But I need to force myself not to be driven by fear.  To trust that the really important relationships are strong enough for me to be who I really am, to say how I really feel, to ask for what I really need.

Right now I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff staring down into the ocean, too afraid to dive, when what I need to do is brace myself and dive.