Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Wading through

About five weeks ago I had my first trimester scan, and the sonographer (I think) slipped and told me what I'm having. I'm more annoyed with her because she barely said two words to me during the whole thing, and when she does, she tells me the baby's gender WITHOUT having asked me if I wanted to know. What if I was dead set on being surprised?

So, without saying too much (you can figure it out by reading through old posts), I'm attempting to make peace with having to say goodbye to something I've wanted for as long as I wanted children of my own. And it's very painful. I spent at least two nights sobbing into my pillow and then felt guilty that I'm so upset by this. I realize that this is not the worst thing in the world to have to face, especially since I've been able to get pregnant so blessedly easily, but this is still painful.

How do you gracefully say goodbye to something you want for yourself so badly while you watch others, even some for whom this would be the "worst case scenario," get it handed to them? I can only imagine that this is how women with fertility problems feel. God give me strength...

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