Sunday, August 24, 2008

She's baaaaaack...

The green-eyed monster, jealousy. Not me. But she's not as raging as she once was, which is good. I think. It could be the calm before a storm. I'm not sure.

I had my anatomical scan almost three weeks ago. So that means I had the opportunity to find out if I'm having my third boy or if I'm having a girl. Well, I kind of asked - I finally summoned the courage at one point to come out and say, "I'm having another boy, aren't I?" to which the tech (who I love) replied, "Do you want me to find out right now?" I told her no, but we can check when she gets to that part (she told me earlier that that's usually at the very end of her scan). So I didn't really press, but I didn't look away or tell her that in no uncertain terms I want to be surprised. Long story short, I have no idea what I'm having. At various points during the scan I thought I saw testicles, labia, and couldn't tell if I was looking at an umbilical cord or a penis. So I'll find out in about another eighteen weeks. I think I'm okay with that.

So why was Mrs. Jealousy back? I found out today that two people I know who are also pregnant are having girls. One is my cousin Jennifer. We used to be pretty close when we were in junior high, but that kind of ended when she realized that she could get lots of attention by being Drama Queen. I'd give examples but it's too ridiculous. Let's just say that I absolutely cannot picture her raising a boy. And I wouldn't be surprised if she names the baby something like Sophia, Ava, Whitney, or something equally uber-trendy and soap opera-ish. The immature part of me is kind of pissy that she (Jennifer) is getting what she wants (I can't imagine she is disappointed that she's having a girl). The other is my friend Kim. I know her because our boys (we both have two sons and are pregnant, due a week apart) have taken music classes together for about three years straight. Unlike with my cousin, I am thrilled for Kim that she's expecting a girl! She's so down to earth, no sense of entitlement or anything like that. She told me that even though the technician and doctor both told her that the baby looks like a girl - but nothing is guaranteed - she's still a teeny bit skeptical. As in, she'll paint the baby's room in a girly color but ordered gender-neutral gear just in case (she wasn't planning on a third, so she gave away just about EVERYTHING baby-related she had).

So yes, I did have pangs of jealousy for a short while today. And yes, I would still like the experience of raising a daughter as well as raising sons. And I will probably be upset to hear "It's ANOTHER boy!" at the delivery. I will likely suffer postpartum depression again and go to therapy again. What can I say? I'm human. But I know that despite those things, if I am having my third boy, I will love him as much as I love my first two (I love them and the hubster more than anything on this Earth). I know that I am given the children I am supposed to raise, and that they were given to me for a reason.

I'll get over it. Eventually.

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