Wednesday, March 12, 2008

In a nutshell...

If it's okay with you, I don't really want to go over all of the gory details thing here. It's just completely unnecessary. So I'll give you the quick version, with a few necessary flourishes.

About three weeks ago, I had a D&C for an incomplete miscarriage. That I was pregnant was a total surprise as (a) my period hadn't come back after weaning, and (b) we weren't even trying, although we do want to have a third child. I woke up during the night (thanks, Jack!) to find that I was bleeding and thought it was my period, but it only lasted about five hours. So I called my doctor, who wanted to see me, and lo and behold, the urine test was positive. I went to get my progesterone and HCG tested, and the results led the doctor to think I was having twins. Yes, twins. Holy 3#$%. After several inconclusive ultrasounds in the doctor's office, I went to the hospital to get a high resolution scan, which is where it was discovered that while I had a gestational sac, it was empty. The yolk sac, fetal pole, anything that would indicate a viable pregnancy was missing. They never developed.

Amazingly, I was really only upset for a couple of hours the day I went to the hospital for the ultrasound. Otherwise, during this whole rollercoaster of a time, I felt very at peace. I just knew that whatever happened was meant to be, and I fully accepted that. I honestly believe that this was a conversation God wanted to have with me, and that this was the only way I would listen.

Notes to myself from the journey:
  • I am not in charge. Period. (I know, har har... except not)
  • Whether I have a son or daughter is not up to me. It is not decided by me. I cannot do anything to sway the odds one way or the other. I will be given the child I am supposed to have, whether boy or girl.
  • Whatever the makeup of my family, I will be fine. I will love them dearly, and enjoy them completely.

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