Monday, September 24, 2007

My Big, Fat Girly Secret

Now that I've been posting here for a while, I feel like we're friends. I feel safe sharing some rather intimate and somewhat embarrassing thoughts and feelings with you. And this, in my opinion, is my big one.

I want a daughter. I really, really want a daughter.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say. I absolutely love and adore my two sons and would not change them for anything in the world, nor do I wish that either of them were girls instead. I do not feel anything but pure love for them and amazing gratitude that I have been chosen to be their mother.

Still, if hubby and I chose not to have any more children, I would feel that I was missing out on the experience of raising a girl. We do want more children, but that makes me worry because there is always a chance that I will have a third boy. I worry that, in that case, I will suffer from PPD that is more severe than what I've experienced with the first two boys, if only because hubby probably won't want to go for number four, and then my aching desire for a daughter will be unfulfilled. I don't know how to handle that.

If money were no option, I would pursue adoption for a baby girl in a heartbeat, or consider MicroSort to have a 91% chance of conceiving a girl. Or would I?

Whenever I start to think about either of these options for any length of time, I start to question myself, my faith, my ethics. If I adopt or have hub's sperm spun, am I playing God? If I adopt, is it less noble to specify that we only want to adopt a girl and not welcome a child of either gender with open arms? Since I had little trouble getting pregnant twice, am I tempting fate by spinning hub's sperm to tip the scales in XX's favor?

As much as I want to give it up to God and trust Him (because I really do believe that we get the children we get for a reason), the thought of actually letting go makes me panicky. It doesn't help that I still feel a pang when I run into women whose firstborns are boys who I haven't seen since they were pregnant pushing little pink bundles in their strollers. I try to push those nasty feelings away, and I am happy for women who "get" the gender they want, but there's still that voice inside me screaming WHY NOT ME?

I know this is petty and childish and a bit premature, especially since (a) I'm not pregnant with our third, and (b) we haven't discussed adopting or any other options, but I need to get this out there and off my chest.

I really want a daughter. I think the boys would love to have a baby sister. I love my mother dearly, and I want that same-sex relationship with my own daughter. I feel that I have a lot to offer a daughter, advice on peer pressure, mean girls, boys, and figuring out who you are and what and who are important to you. And I want to experience raising both boys and girls. I want to experience first-hand the differences between the sexes in addition to the differences within each child.

Thanks for the free therapy. Until later...

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