Note to Self:

You have a backbone. Use it.

Phrases to try out:

• Thanks so much for coming to visit. I hate to be abrupt, but I need to put T down for a nap and take one myself, so I'm going to have to see you to the door. Thanks again!
• (part B to the above) Thanks for offering to stay, but no thanks. We're good.
• If I don't get a nap in, it affects me for the rest of the day, so I'm going to say goodbye now. Thanks for coming to see the boys!

I'm sure most of you can figure out the backstory here. I need to man up and stop trying to drop hints, because certain people are either incapable of picking them up or flat out choose to ignore them. I can do this. My health and sanity are worth some discomfort.

Now what?

I feel horrible. Again. I had another psycho meltdown during bedtime tonight. I ended up screaming so loudly at J that my throat still hurts, and I thought I might pull a muscle in my belly.

I don't understand why I have such a bad hair-trigger temper this time around. I realize that pregnancy hormones make you crazy, but I'm just a rageaholic that now I worry that I'm setting a horrible example for J. No wonder he's acting all crazy lately.

Recent things that annoy me:

1. That hubby departs for work just as I'm starting to get out of bed, thus leaving me with sole responsibility for getting three people washed, dressed, fed, and ready for the day.
2. That hubby returns from work usually right around bedtime, thereby leaving me responsible for all parenting activities during waking hours.
3. That hubby will not support me in getting the boys to bed at a reasonable hour even though more sleep has resulted in improved behavior throughout the day for everyone involved.
4. That mother in law is stewing about something that she will not come out and say but rather make sideways comments about it.
5. That I haven't had a night out to dinner with the girls since Thanksgiving Eve, 2006.
6. The state of our country. I know this might sound cheesy, but I am so annoyed with (a) the economy and that unchecked greed has led to its near collapse, and (b) the fact that supporting a presidential candidate pretty much means alienating anyone who disagrees with your point of view.

I don't know, maybe I need to get back into therapy. I go to yoga once a week, yet I feel so much rage bubbling just below the surface. I guess it's a good thing that I only have thirteen weeks to go until I'm due? Oh, and that's another thing - I feel guilty that I haven't had the time to cherish this pregnancy the way I was able to with my others. Sometimes I forget that I even am pregnant, I'm so busy running after the guys.

Ugh, I just want to curl up and cry.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I know, it sounds so melodramatic. What can I say, I'm 25 weeks pregnant, everything is melodramatic.

I am at a loss as to how to discipline J. He just does not want to listen to me. Time outs don't stop the behavior, and neither does taking things away (TV time, "special" trips). Three days ago I went back to a reward chart and within two days it was failing miserably. I just don't know what to do to motivate this kid. And then, today, he drew a letter E on my car with a rock. I am so upset. Yeah I'm pissed that he scratched up my not even two-month-old car, but what really stings is that he did something so disrespectful, and so blatantly wrong. It really hurts, and I wonder where I fell short.

Does he just not care enough about the things I take away? (it's possible) Am I not consistent enough? (probably not, if it's not working) Do I not spend enough one-on-one time with him? (most likely not, as I'm still exhausted and need to nap when T does on most days) It's like a looped tape recorder that's been running through my head all day and I just can't make it stop.

I love J more than he can comprehend, and I feel like I'm the one who screwed up here. I just don't know what to do next. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? What if I'm not? Then what?

I forgot what I was going to write about

As you can see, my intention to write regularly is just not working. Maybe I need more quiet time. When I'm lying in bed at night, I remember all these quirky things that happened to me that I want to write about but when I'm sitting in front of my computer (like right now), I can't remember a blessed thing. It's the curse of the Blank Page.

Maybe tonight it will occur to me to write down these quirky things in a notebook.

Mommy Guilt

I feel absolutely horrible. It was a complete accident, and T seems completely fine, yet I feel like the crud on the bottom of my shoe.

Hubster wanted to give T a haircut, so I showed him how to use the clippers. He planned to use the longest attachment all over, but when we tried that with J, he ended up with a buzz cut, and I didn't want that as it's starting to get cooler out. So I suggested using scissors. I was going to start, but Hub chided me about hesitating, so I handed the scissors to him. At which point he was about to cut T's hair, but then *he* hesitated. So I reclaimed the scissors and got started. And didn't do too bad a job, if I do say so myself. I shortened the back and trimmed around his ears.

Then T went into the TV room, where J was watching The Electric Company on DVD. T was mesmerized. Hub noticed and commented, "so that's the trick!" Of course, that got me thinking, hmm... maybe I should seize this opportunity and finish trimming the longer side while T's captivated by The Short Circus. I run into the kitchen and grab the scissors and a newspaper to collect the trimmings. And no sooner do I make my first pass over T's ear that he starts screaming. Because I cut his ear. Oh God, do I still feel horrible about it. It was kind of like a when you gash your leg shaving - it bleeds forever.

Just retelling this story is making me sick to my stomach again. I am so sorry, baby T. I feel absolutely retched for having done that to you, and I wish I could take it back.

I need to go now.

Please Stop Pandering

Yesterday I mistakenly received yet another email from someone who thinks my email address belongs to a fellow Republican friend of his. I know this because the email used quotes from Barack Obama's books to "prove" his inability to lead America. And today I was asked about my feelings towards Republican Vice Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin. So now I present to you my mini political rant.

What do I think of Sarah Palin? I think her nomination was a blatant, deliberate political ploy by John McCain to gain votes from (a) disillusioned Hillary Clinton supporters, and (b) any other woman stupid enough to vote for McCain/Palin simply because he named a woman as his VP. I realize that stupid is a harsh word, but I really do believe it applies here.

I am offended that McCain's advisors think that I will vote for him and Palin simply because she is a woman. Didn't the Fox News pundits blast the women who supported Hillary for that very same reason? I don't watch Fox News, but I would suspect that suddenly they're chastising me for being a woman AND anti-Palin. Now I'm a misogynist. Yeah, right.

Look, if you believe in what Palin has supported as governor of Alaska, and agree with McCain's views on the important issues, then by all means vote for them. But I don't. I do not support overturning Roe v. Wade. I also find it hypocritical that while Palin supports her daughter's "choice" to bear a child at 17, she would prohibit other 17-year-olds from even having a choice to make. I find it reprehensible that she supported $300 per person in earmarks, yet derided the bridge to nowhere when it became a national issue (and still kept the money - nice touch!).

(On a side rant, I also find it hypocritical for Bill O'Reilly to blast Jamie Lynn Spears and her parents regarding her pregnancy, yet claim that Sarah Palin is "just like us" when she discloses that her daughter, who is also 17, is pregnant.)

The other thing that offends my sensibilities are the arguments that have been made against Obama - that he is too inexperienced to lead this country, doesn't have foreign policy experience, was a (gasp!) community organizer. Take every single argument, tweak it slightly, and it applies equally to Sarah Palin. You'll hear the Republican talking heads rail against Obama, yet you won't hear them apply the exact same logic to Palin. Partisan? I'll say.

Well, that's enough of me getting my dander up. Feel free to disagree with me on my views. It's your right as an American. But personally I'm more than a little bit tired of the political pandering. From both sides. It makes it harder for people like me, who want to know where the candidates really stand on issues like healthcare, the economy, education, foreign policy (by which I mean relationships, not against whom we'll next wage war). I'm sure most people feel the same way.

She's baaaaaack...

The green-eyed monster, jealousy. Not me. But she's not as raging as she once was, which is good. I think. It could be the calm before a storm. I'm not sure.

I had my anatomical scan almost three weeks ago. So that means I had the opportunity to find out if I'm having my third boy or if I'm having a girl. Well, I kind of asked - I finally summoned the courage at one point to come out and say, "I'm having another boy, aren't I?" to which the tech (who I love) replied, "Do you want me to find out right now?" I told her no, but we can check when she gets to that part (she told me earlier that that's usually at the very end of her scan). So I didn't really press, but I didn't look away or tell her that in no uncertain terms I want to be surprised. Long story short, I have no idea what I'm having. At various points during the scan I thought I saw testicles, labia, and couldn't tell if I was looking at an umbilical cord or a penis. So I'll find out in about another eighteen weeks. I think I'm okay with that.

So why was Mrs. Jealousy back? I found out today that two people I know who are also pregnant are having girls. One is my cousin Jennifer. We used to be pretty close when we were in junior high, but that kind of ended when she realized that she could get lots of attention by being Drama Queen. I'd give examples but it's too ridiculous. Let's just say that I absolutely cannot picture her raising a boy. And I wouldn't be surprised if she names the baby something like Sophia, Ava, Whitney, or something equally uber-trendy and soap opera-ish. The immature part of me is kind of pissy that she (Jennifer) is getting what she wants (I can't imagine she is disappointed that she's having a girl). The other is my friend Kim. I know her because our boys (we both have two sons and are pregnant, due a week apart) have taken music classes together for about three years straight. Unlike with my cousin, I am thrilled for Kim that she's expecting a girl! She's so down to earth, no sense of entitlement or anything like that. She told me that even though the technician and doctor both told her that the baby looks like a girl - but nothing is guaranteed - she's still a teeny bit skeptical. As in, she'll paint the baby's room in a girly color but ordered gender-neutral gear just in case (she wasn't planning on a third, so she gave away just about EVERYTHING baby-related she had).

So yes, I did have pangs of jealousy for a short while today. And yes, I would still like the experience of raising a daughter as well as raising sons. And I will probably be upset to hear "It's ANOTHER boy!" at the delivery. I will likely suffer postpartum depression again and go to therapy again. What can I say? I'm human. But I know that despite those things, if I am having my third boy, I will love him as much as I love my first two (I love them and the hubster more than anything on this Earth). I know that I am given the children I am supposed to raise, and that they were given to me for a reason.

I'll get over it. Eventually.