Sunday, November 20, 2011

Supermarket Sweep

First, a little bit of business:  I took yesterday off because a couple of friends and I went to dinner and to see Breaking Dawn Part 1.  Mmmm, Robert Pattinson.  Oh, sorry, got lost in my thoughts for a minute.  And now, back to our regularly scheduled blog...

Now that the kitchen is finally back to normal, I was able to grocery shop with no restrictions.  Yay!

Yesterday's trip was pretty normal, but since I hadn't really been doing serious shopping (I was limited to buying foods that could be prepared with one steak knife and baked in a disposable roasting pan), either I hadn't been paying close attention to annoying behaviors, or I was lucky enough to have avoided them during this time.

Holy crap, are people obnoxious when wielding a grocery carriage!

Offender #1:  The Aisle Blocker
You know the aisle blocker.  You're cruising along, trying to figure out which breakfast cereal will not get soggy in milk, fill up the kids until snack time, and keep them interested in eating it every day this week.  Good thing you're paying attention, because you just nearly miss slamming into a half-filled cart with no driver.  Who?  What?  Oh, there she is - halfway down the aisle, reading the nutrition label on a box of steel cut oats, oblivious to the fact that nobody can get through because she left her cart unattended in the middle of the aisle.  You bite your tongue, force a smile, and gently move the cart to one side so you can get through.  And then the bitch throws you an evil glare because you dared to touch her stuff.

Offender #2:  The Scale Hog
I don't know if this is a widespread thing or not, but my grocery store of choice has produce scales that print out scannable stickers.  It's great for when you go through the self-serve checkouts or if, like me, you use handheld scanners as you shop.  It's not great when some technophobe (who always, always has absolutely no idea what any item in the produce section is called) fills up seven bags with varying items and then monopolizes the scale.  For twenty minutes.  Look, I know what I am buying.  If the red peppers I've bagged don't have stickers with the PLU numbers on them, I can drill down through the "Search" function, find my item, and print out that sticker like nobody's business.  I'm on a mission, people, and you're totally messing with my grocery mojo.

Offender #3:  The Blind Cornerer
This offender appears so frequently that I now unconsciously slow down when I reach the end of an aisle.  This is the guy (or woman) who barrels around the corners so quickly that if you're not paying attention, you'll be jackknifed over the handle of your grocery cart.  Said offender is frequently spotted with head turned, offering a parting shot to a friend coincidentally run into while shopping.

Offender #4:  The Very Important Shopper
This is the shopper cruising down the aisles at an obnoxiously slow pace, cell phone pressed to ear (or, worse, on a Bluetooth headset), chatting loudly about something that has nothing to do with food or grocery shopping.  I don't mind when someone is at the store and calls home to check on which brand or variety someone wants.  I do mind hearing about your personal nonsense.  Seriously.  Life is not a reality show.  Stop trying to look important by chatting with your BFF as you grocery shop.  Nobody wants to hear it.

Offender #5:  The Impatient One
This is the shopper whose breath you feel on your back as you sign your name on the electronic tablet when paying.  They know they're in your personal space but they do not care.  No.  They are Busy, and are In a Hurry, so therefore it is okay to practically touch you while you enter your PIN at the checkout.  I sometimes like to kick my foot up to calf height to regain some space (try to make it look like it's something you do when you're signing your name, otherwise you just end up looking like a bitch).

So, shopping is complete and you're about to load up your car.  You offer up a little prayer that you haven't been struck by

Offender #6:  The Runaway Cart Abandoner
I don't need to elaborate on this one, do I?  And why does the cart always end up in a position that requires you to move it in order to leave?

I'm sure there are more, but these were the most flagrant offenders I ran into this week.  Good thing I get to grocery shop every week...

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